A Witch and a talking Car
by pornomancer90
Summary: A notorious Killer escaped Azkaban, and an unconvential pair of heroes is tasked with apprehending the criminal. What happens when they meet the Girl-Who-Lived and a crazy cat lady insists on helping? Fem!Harry, no bashing, no pairings, Year 3
1. Chapter 1

Author's notes:

So this is my first fic and I cannot promise I will update regularly or at all, but I hope this is at least good enough for a laugh.

Also english is not my first language so if, I made some grievous mistakes please point them out.

About the story itself this is just for fun, and really don't think too much about the timeline, because I really didn't, just be warned if this goes on there will be no pairings,

because I plan to wrap it up in year 3, there is no Weasley or Dumbledore bashing, though there might be some conflict with the headmaster and I decided to make Charlus and Dorea the grandparents of our heroine,

which causes some slight changes, but the story up until now is mostly canon and only get´s of the rails now.

A Witch and a talking Car

Dorea was angry with herself, not to angry, because aunt Marge had it coming, but still losing her temper like this really only bites her in the ass in the long run.

Though blowing up that miserable excuse for a human being like a balloon was kinda funny, if ill advised, then running away to avoid getting her wand snapped was also ill advised because no matter how crafty she is, avoiding the ministry wasn't possible for long, also avoiding the ministry wasn't even necessary because wandless or accidental magic doesn't count as underage magic. Dorea unfortunately remembered this loophole only after she packed her things and left privet drive and found herself in Wisteria Walk.

She could´ve gone back, the Dursley´s might be scared enough to make the rest of the summer not as awful as it could be, but no her pride wouldn't allow it so she's hoping to find some cheap hotel, where she can wait until morning to take a bus to diagon alley and hopefully find a place to stay until the next school year. Sending a letter to the Weasleys or Tonkses was out of the question, she doesn't want to impose on them, it's better to not worry them unnecessarily.

Before Dorea could think more about the logistics of getting herself to Diagon Alley, with her limited knowledge about non magical public transport, a big hulking creature with terrible piercing eyes, was right in front of her.

It could´ve also been a huge dog that looked at her with a curious and very non threatening expression, she couldn't quite figure out because she shrieked, stumbled and fell down against a car and the creature wasn't there anymore when she looked up. She must have scared it away, Dorea concluded almost believing it herself.

"That was rude." chided a bodiless voice, "What was rude?" she snapped still on edge. "Just bumping into me, this could have left a dent, if I didn't have my Molecular Bonded Shell." the voice responded. "Huh, what is a magical car doing here?" "Magical? No, that would be silly. You must be in on the prank that Devon tries to play on us."

Talking to a car is probably the weirdest thing, that ever happened to Dorea, not by much mind you, but still the weirdest thing. She took a few steps back to get a better look at the car, it was pitch black and had a red scanner on the front. "Man your creator, must either have some really weird sense of irony or is just cruel, creating a magical car that doesn't believe in magic, how do you even get an idea like this?" Dorea said, the car getting annoyed responded "Like I said, I´m not magical, I´m an artificial intelligence created by Wilton Knight, the _Knight Industries two thousand_ " Dorea was still not impressed responded "That's a mouthful." "You can call me K.I.T.T if you prefer." he opened the passenger door and added "Before I completely forget my manners, you should come inside me, it's cold outside."

She stopped herself from commenting why, someone would enchant a car to feel cold, because this would ensue in an argument, and she really was to tired for that.

And because it was really cold outside she just put her stuff and Hedwig on the back seat and seated herself on the passenger seat. The first thing that caught her attention where all the lights and buttons, that definitely didn't belong in a car and K.I.T.T's story just became a little more plausible to Dorea.

Before she could contemplate if she would break the statute of secrecy by revealing magic to an artificial intelligence, K.I.T.T started to talk again "You know, I was just talking about manners…"

"Oh, sorry," Dorea replied sheepishly "My name is Dorea."

"Harriet Dorea Potter?" asked K.I.T.T "Yeah, but just call me Dorea, Harriet is a stupid name." Dorea replied slightly annoyed, not being surprised a talking car heard of her. "It appears I got lucky, me and my partner were searching for you."


	2. Chapter 2

Michael was really surprised, to have another mission in Europe, considering that the last one got him tangentially involved in the politics of two countries, and this isn't really ideal for someone who's supposed to keep a low profile. The after party was nice though, even if he couldn't remember where he got that weird jacket or where it's now.

His contact referred him to Arabella Figg to get more information for his mission, but his questioning turned a bit south when the older woman got out the grog, because she couldn't bear to be sober when talking about the Girl-Who-Lived.

She would endlessly complain that she wasn't allowed to tell her about her heritage and that Dumbledore saw the magical protection on her house as more important than her wellbeing. Her lack of contact to the british ministry of magic and her other contacts unwilling to mess with the affairs of Wizards, stopped her from doing much herself. Before Michael could ask what "other" contacts meant, he received a call from K.I.T.T on his watch.

"Michael, I found Dorea, she thinks I'm a magical car, we should bring her to a mental institute."

"We had this conversation before, I saw Arthur doing magic in front of me." Michael replied.

K.I.T.T still very much unconvinced replied "Let's agree to disagree, but I would still recommend that you seek medical advice."

"Sure buddy." Michael answered amused at his partners denial.

"You should drive her to Diagon Alley, I'll give you a map." Mrs. Figg chimed in "Also come back in the morning 6 am and not a minute later, there are still things you need to know and I need to be somewhat sober for it."

After a moment of contemplation and coming to the conclusion that the young girl might not just let some stranger drive her somewhere, she added "I'll go out with you to convince Dorea that you don't have any ill intentions with her."

She didn't take into account though that, Dorea really wouldn't have a reason to trust a sober Mrs. Figg, much less a drunk one.

After that she stood up and stumbled to the door, while refusing any help from Michael.

When they got they both saw Dorea sitting in the black Trans Am seemingly arguing with herself, she only stopped after Michael knocked on the window and K.I.T.T lowered it.

Before he could say anything Mrs. Figg yelled "That's my nephew, he can give you a ride to Diago.. I mean a ride to somewhere you need to be or should be, I wouldn't know where."

She silently complimented herself for that save, her save though was rather counterproductive because it completely went against the plan she and Michael formulated. In her defense it must be stated that she was very drunk.

To be extra convincing she added "You don't need to worry he isn't shady or something, you can trust him." then stumbled a few metre back into the house and for a few seconds she held the thought that she might have botched something, before she could contemplate this further she fell down and started to snore, loudly.

"You know, I could make a catty remark, but I don't, I refuse in fact and you know why?" she asked while looking in Michael's direction "Because if I'd want to point out everything snark worthy in this whole situation, I'd be here all day."

"Considering that it's close to midnight, this doesn't mean much, also you could just leave it at one remark." deadpanned the talking car

Dorea replied in the most polite way possible "Up yours K.I.T.T." while flipping of the voice modulator off.

"Socrates' words about the youth still ring true today, it seems." lamented K.I.T.T, mostly to himself.

"Also shouldn't someone make sure Mrs. Figg is okay?" Dorea said while stopping herself from rolling her eyes and looking expectedly at Michael.

"You could check on her." answered Michael. "You know her for longer than I do."

"She is your aunt." countered the teenager.

"She is not really my aunt." He said trying to shift the responsibility on Dorea.

" I scanned her, she's fine, she just needs to sleep a few hours." K.I.T.T chimed in

"You know, if you can just scan people why don't you just scan my brain, to see if I'm crazy instead of insisting I visit a doctor." Michael said with a mocking tone.

This was met with silence "Every time I bring this up, he just refuses to speak, because he either has to admit that magic exists or that his equipment is faulty."

"Maybe, you should close the door before Mrs. Figg catches a cold, Michael." K.I.T.T said accusingly."

Michael still feeling smug closed the door and went to the car when he was seated, Dorea spoke "So why did you want to find me?" she punctuated her sentence by holding her wand threateningly at his head "And the truth please."

"Should I use the sleep gas Michael." K.I.T.T asked "No, that won't be necessary." answered Michael not feeling particular threatened by the teenage witch.

"The ejection seat maybe?" the high tech car asked hopefully

"K.I.T.T no." scolded Michael.

"Fine." answered K.I.T.T slightly disappointed.

"Answers. Please?" Dorea asked pleadingly. "This is going to take a while though and you have to promise, to not turn my hair pink or something,"

"I could melt your brain." she said while trying to sound threatening and only mostly failing.

"After my information you shouldn't even be able to stun him."

K.I.T.T's response was met with silence.

"While I still assume, that all this is an elaborate hoax I still downloaded the contents of the floppy disks our contact provided, unfortunately one was filled with private material like a complete version of _Le Coucher de la Mariée."_

"Can we get to the point please?" a Dorea who got more tired and annoyed by the minute pleaded.

"Sure." Michael who felt only slightly bad for finding this whole thing funny, said "So, a murderer called Sirius Black recently escaped prison, he used to serve under Voldemort and is most likely after you. That's where I come into play, the British government, the non-magical that is doesn't like how the magical one handled the last war, so they want someone from their side to make sure, that Black gets apprehended and potential targets are safe."

"And how does an American end up working for the British government?" The skeptical teenager asked

"Well here comes the complicated part, the Ministry of magic doesn't know about that and to avoid problems, should I get caught they asked me and my partner to do the job, off the books of course. I'm telling you this, to make it easier for me to do my job and to avoid confusion should the situation go out of hand." answered K.I.T.T.

"And why shouldn't I just write a letter to the minister, about this whole mess?" her threat was met by Michael saying "Because they wouldn't believe you."

Dorea lowered her wand in a defeated manner "You know this whole thing is too dumb, to not be true. So what now?"

"Now we drive you to Diagon Alley, Mrs Figg gave me a map." explained Michael to the tired teenager.

This piqued her interest "Wait how does she know about Diagon Alley?"

"She's a squib, didn't y…"

Michael got cut off mid sentence by a suddenly angry Dorea "What! Then she must've known all the time, how could she not tell me and why did she torture me with those cat pictures year after year?"

"That, you should ask her yourself, but keep in mind that she had her reasons. I don't want to tell you how to feel, and I understand your anger, but let her explain herself" this was met with silence on Dorea's part.

"Are you ok?" K.I.T.T asked a bit worried, even if the teen annoyed him.

"I'll manage, It's just a bit too much information at once." replied the girl with a weak smile on her face.

"So why were the two of you fighting." asked Michael, trying to break the solemn mood.

"He locked me in!" Dorea uttered scandalized.

"You were being difficult." K.I.T.T said without a hint of remorse.

"Difficult? Me?" Dorea spat angrily "First you tell me that you and your partner are searching for and then you refuse to tell me why because you want to wait until he comes back and then you locked me in when I wanted to leave, because I got totally creeped out."

K.I.T.T defended himself "You threatened to let your owl defecate on my dashboard, if I don't let you out."

Meanwhile Hedwig's rolling her eyes because of the silly fight.

"Yeah, but…" before she could complete her sentence, K.I.T.T cut her off

"Did that owl just roll his eyes?"

"Her, and she does it all the time, what's so special about it?" asked Dorea

"Owls physically cannot roll their eyes, and 'his' coloration is that of a male _Bubo scandiacus_ or commonly known as snow-owl, though on closer inspection, your owl does appear female, if my scanners aren't malfunctioning." K.I.T.T explained

"Well they owls we wizards and witches keep are capable of limited magic use, that would explain the eye rolling and her colour, she is a bit of a diva." reasoned the teen.

Hedwig´s huffing about the 'diva' comment was ignored by the rest

"Seems like a reasonable explanation." concluded K.I.T.T "I guess the rest of the information must be true too then."

"Wait you downloaded two dozen books worth of information and have my word and don't believe it," Michael said exasperated "but some owl rolls her eyes and you´re convinced?"

"That's just it, the owl rolled her eyes, don't you understand, the only explanation for that and the floating lady is magic." K.I.T.T reasoned

"What floating lady? Michael asked without noticing Dorea who's trying and failing to disappear in her seat.

"The one barely in my scanner range." answered the high tech car. "We don't need to worry about that though, the Obliviator´s should take care of that."

"Yeah no need to get involved" agreed a nervous Dorea "and it was an accident and I'm not sorry and I'm going to be quiet now."

The rest of the drive was a quiet one, because Dorea was too embarrassed to speak more, only when they arrived at the shabby pub that concealed Diagon Alley did K.I.T.T speak up "You know, you're both not good with manners." Dorea reacted with a sheepish smile "My name is Dorea Potter, but you knew that already."

"Michael Knight, nice to meet you." he replied smiling.

After insisting it wouldn't be a good idea to follow her inside the pub, they said their goodbyes and Michael and K.I.T.T went on their way back to Wisteria Walk, where Michael slept in the car until his next meeting with Mrs. Figg.

Hours later a knocking on K.I.T.T´s window woke Michael from his slumber, A smoking Mrs Figg stood in front of him, her hangover barely masked.

"Where can I put my luggage?" she asked "I'm coming with you, you're setting up camp in the forbidden forest, you need someone who knows the terrain." at this point Michael got out of the car, a bit bewildered at the turn of events. "You cannot come with me it's dangerous."

"Nonsense, I'm not scared of a few centaurs or acromantulas." Mrs. Figg replied while shoving her luggage at Michael "There are no toilets." Michael pleaded "This hopefully means you won't complain about digging latrine pits." the resolute woman replied.

"What about your cats." He asked in the vain hope of convincing the old lady not to go

"Mr. fuzzles will take care of them and the house." she said while pointing at what looks like a mix between a leopard and an overgrown house cat sitting at the door.

"What is this thing, it's as big as a Tiger." Michael asked apprehensively. "A nundu-half kneazle hybrid, he's the only one of his kind." Mrs. Figg said proudly

"Isn't this illegal." asked K.I.T.T "I have a permit to breed Kneazle and Kneazle-hybrids, only a purebred Nundu would be illegal and there's no legislation about Nundu-hybrids."

"What´s a Nundu?" Michael asked even more worried. "You don't want to know." answered Mrs. Figg "K.I.T.T?" He looked at his partner

"She's right, you don't want to know, Michael." agreed K.I.T.T.

The only thing that worried Michael more was Mrs. Figg evil cackle he got as answer, when he asked why her luggage is so heavy.

 **Author's notes:**

 **I edited and hopefully improved thechapter, I wasn't really happy with it after rereading it, so I hope it´s better now. Thanks for the reviewer who pointed out the formating problems, I hope everything is clearer now.**


End file.
